This is Sam: Extreme Niche Nerd and Offspring of the Mutant Mid-Century.

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8th September 2009

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Extreme Metal HunksNergal (Behemoth)Hot Because: This. Demigod was good, The Apostasy was better but Evangelion is the most fully realized album that Nergal has put out with Behemoth. Originally I was on the fence with this dude… that was until I was sonically raped by this album. The fucker slays at vocals and guitar work on every track of this astounding effort. But I digress. I’m not here to jerk the album off. That would be gay…*cough*…Right. If Black Metal has taught us anything it’s that churches are surprisingly flammable  and that when given the opportunity, the most evil of men can still be improved with some make-up. Corpsepaint is a tough thing to spot out right anymore so it take a certain set of balls for a man such as Nergal to pull this 300+ nights a year. But he pulls it off (then fucks it) better than most of the trend’s originators. So he is good for some niche-based make-up tips and will always pull through at costume parties. He also qualifies for some sexy nerd cred as he is something of a book worm, having completed six years of history, including one year of Latin at University of Gdansk. This will work to your advantage when it comes time to play Trivial Pursuit with your less entertaining friends. Also he is fucking this. Just sayin’….Ideal Date: Horseback - haven’t done this one yet. The two of you go horseback riding through the sunny shores of Poland (what do they have?). He makes polite conversation about about the pricing of leathers now a days, you laugh at the ratio of his witty remarks against his broken english. Whatever it is, it equals out to beautiful. After some time has past and the sun begins to set and it’s at this point where the horses must feed. As he fixes the horses feed bags you start to feel an uneasy nature about the wind as it starts to pick up speed. The horses notice it too. So does Nergal. He sets his sights upon the horizon of the sea (because you’re on a beach, remember) and lets out a throaty chant that carries the tones of multiple voices all chanting the same verse. At this point the horses have run off and you start to get a rumbling feeling that is swiftly shifting through your body as the sanding ground below you begins to feel denser and colder. After about three minutes of this, it all begins to go away and Nergal stops with the freaky chants, “False alarm,” he tells you. This is the most confusing part about it all since the shore seems to be hemorrhaging blood at an alarming rate. He tells you this happens ever so often and that you should get use to it. You do. (Helpful tip: Foreplay should consist of ripping up at least one Bible. He is kind of into that)Deal Breaker: Bit of a control freak. Producer, songwriter, lead singer and lead guitarist for his band makes him sound multitalented but really it just means he doesn’t trust anyone else. Such a trust can only be earned through time and proven worth. You got the time for that shit?

Extreme Metal Hunks

Nergal (Behemoth)

Hot Because: This.

Demigod was good, The Apostasy was better but Evangelion is the most fully realized album that Nergal has put out with Behemoth. Originally I was on the fence with this dude… that was until I was sonically raped by this album. The fucker slays at vocals and guitar work on every track of this astounding effort.

But I digress. I’m not here to jerk the album off. That would be gay…*cough*…

Right. If Black Metal has taught us anything it’s that churches are surprisingly flammable  and that when given the opportunity, the most evil of men can still be improved with some make-up. Corpsepaint is a tough thing to spot out right anymore so it take a certain set of balls for a man such as Nergal to pull this 300+ nights a year. But he pulls it off (then fucks it) better than most of the trend’s originators. So he is good for some niche-based make-up tips and will always pull through at costume parties.

He also qualifies for some sexy nerd cred as he is something of a book worm, having completed six years of history, including one year of Latin at University of Gdansk. This will work to your advantage when it comes time to play Trivial Pursuit with your less entertaining friends.

Also he is fucking this. Just sayin’….

Ideal Date: Horseback - haven’t done this one yet. The two of you go horseback riding through the sunny shores of Poland (what do they have?). He makes polite conversation about about the pricing of leathers now a days, you laugh at the ratio of his witty remarks against his broken english. Whatever it is, it equals out to beautiful.

After some time has past and the sun begins to set and it’s at this point where the horses must feed. As he fixes the horses feed bags you start to feel an uneasy nature about the wind as it starts to pick up speed. The horses notice it too. So does Nergal. He sets his sights upon the horizon of the sea (because you’re on a beach, remember) and lets out a throaty chant that carries the tones of multiple voices all chanting the same verse.

At this point the horses have run off and you start to get a rumbling feeling that is swiftly shifting through your body as the sanding ground below you begins to feel denser and colder. After about three minutes of this, it all begins to go away and Nergal stops with the freaky chants, “False alarm,” he tells you.

This is the most confusing part about it all since the shore seems to be hemorrhaging blood at an alarming rate. He tells you this happens ever so often and that you should get use to it.

You do.

(Helpful tip: Foreplay should consist of ripping up at least one Bible. He is kind of into that)

Deal Breaker: Bit of a control freak. Producer, songwriter, lead singer and lead guitarist for his band makes him sound multitalented but really it just means he doesn’t trust anyone else. Such a trust can only be earned through time and proven worth. You got the time for that shit?


Tagged: Extreme Metal Hunks

  1. asmodestasdillinger posted this

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