This fucking bitch. Last night, at a staff party, I met my co-worker’s sister’s dog, Gracie. This dog — this fucking dog — is just the worst. At first her owner was describing her as a “fun police” a la Javert, but it is so much worse than that. If this dog was a person, it’d be the worst person ever.
Quick aside: I like to imagine what most house pets would be like if they were human. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. Although, I’ll say right now, in all my years of visualizing what your dog or cat would look and act like as a human, it’s always horrible. So I stress: this dog is the worst person ever.
The fucking thing started off the night right away with a batch of mixed signals by running in and out of the room, running into people, and growling like it had a ten inch metal strap-on and needed to use it BUT it was small and ugly so we all thought it was cute. The first warning of a shitty dog was when Shannon — the biggest dog lover I know, although I guess that doesn’t say much — tried to pet it. The bitch backed off as though she was about to hit it and physically snapped back at her in a fashion that is usually followed by the words, “how dare you knock over my drink, you whore.”
Later, while we were all in the kitchen, the ugly little sack walked directly to the center of the room, farted, then left the room. I exaggerate nothing in saying that the smell was the perfect fart, as in it was so toxic that everyone left the room. This fucking little bag of bloody cocks dunked in oil would continue to fart throughout the night.
The thing eventually fell asleep in the same room as the party and snored so loudly that it actually broke up several conversations. I’m not shitting you. Its snoring sounded like it was faking it, as though it was just trying to piss us off. The only thing this dog didn’t do was the usual dog shit: barf, hump your leg, or straight up shit. This dog was just awkward as fuck.
So, if it were a human, it would: get in superficial arguments/fights; be awkward in all conversations to the point of extreme hostility; would fart loudly, proudly, but then be a fucking cunt and leave the room and be generally shitty about it; would get drunk to the point of periodically passing out whenever sitting and snore loud enough to piss everyone off.
Worst yet was this dog hated us too. It hated us but it wanted our attention. If none of its annoying tactics could pull our gaze, it would simply moan and make noises not unlike an asthmatic being punched in the gut.
I hate this fucking thing so much.
