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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Phantom Limb - Pig Destroyer (Phantom Limb. Relapse Records, 2007)
ATTENTION: ALL ‘CORE BANDS!
0:44 - 1:25 That is how you do a FUCKING breakdown.
That is all.
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Disgorge, Mexico - Movie Trailer.
I am really excited for this: a film based on Fuck the Facts’ 2008 album Disgorge Mexico, which I LOVED.
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Shatter Their Bones - Cannibal Corpse (Evisceration Plague. Metal Blade Records, 2009)
I am seeing these guys for the third time (within a year’s time) tonight.
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Extreme Metal Hunks: Travis Ryan (Cattle Decapitation, 5/5/2000, UUM, Anal Flatulence, Strangulation)
Hot Because: This here is a hunk with heart filled with gooey sympathy for the Earth. An animal lover and vegetarian, Travis - along with his main band, Cattle Decapitation - write and perform songs entailing themes about pro-animal and environmental issues…and the um *cough* total destruction of the human race. This isn’t some hippy who would get his ass handed to him by a fucking squirrel in a fight. This hunk still loves all the killing and murderous gore that comes with the genre of grindgore. But his pro-animal/gore-fetishism isn’t what makes this man a hunk, it’s his showmanship.
There are too few schools of the death/grind frontman: the basics including your guitarist/singers (e.g. Chuck Schuldiner, Muhammed Suicemz) and your stationary monolith/badass (e.g. George Corpsegrinder Fisher, Kevin Sharpe, Frank Mullen). Travis is part of a rare breed of extreme metal frontman of the fast moving wild man with the energy of crack baby with ADHD. What I’m saying is the man knows how to put on a show: he holds the audience’s attention hostage, toys with it, and leaves it battered, begging for more.
Plus he has pretty blue eyes that one can get lost in like a mighty maelstrom (and then you drown and your corpse is washed up on the shore three days later…)
Ideal Date: The two of you meet late (emphasis on the LATE) at out near the 7-11 that is conveniently close to the medical testing facility. As par your agreement, you both are wearing black along with gloves and full face masks. He hands you a crowbar and leads you towards the medical testing facility stepping lightly with the swiftness of a cheetah stalking its sluggish prey. After about four paragraphs of high stakes stealth maneuvers that rival the greatest scenes of a high budget 90’s spy film, the two of you break into the facility and enter the main testing room. The sights are unbearable: monkeys, being kept prisoner and forced into scientific experimentation are scattered around in cages. Travis stands still, his voice silent. His breath hesitant. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
“We must free them,” he says. As he makes for the nearest cage, a scientist (you assume due to the lab coat and regular lack of physical build) walks into the room holding a cup of coffee. He drops his coffee in shock and screams, “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU”RE DOING?”
Both Travis and you stare with contempt at the so-called scientist, “THESE CHIMPS ARE INFECTED! IF THEY ARE RELEASED THEY WILL DESTROY ALL HUMANKIND WITHIN A MANNER OF DAYS BY SPREADING A VIRUS THAT TURNS ITS VICTIMS INTO HYPERACTIVE CANNIBAL RAPISTS!”
Travis pauses, his crowbar raised in the air about to strike the cage’s lock, “Cool.” Travis smashes each and every lock while the monkeys flood the halls of the facility, brutally killing and sodomizing the facilities faculty in a sadistic gore filled haze of ultraviolence that would make the Marquis de Sade blush.
The two of you then go for a quaint diner at a local vegan diner while the streets run red with the bodies of crazed murderous rapists.
Deal Breaker: I don’t know, this guys seems like the complete package: cute, compassionate, has a sense of humor and is part of an awesome band. However his greatest selling point could be his biggest down fall for some: the whole don’t-eat-meat deal. It’s not clear on whether or not he is a Nazi with his vegetarianism but if you’re anything like me then you’d rather die than give up on steaks and chops.
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]The Ripe Beneath The Rind - Cattle Decapitation (The Harvest Floor. Metal Blade Records, 2009)
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Towering Flesh - Pig Destroyer (Terrifyer. Relapse Records, 2004)
It’s been a while since I posted a Pig Destroyer song and right now this is my most played song on iTunes. Currently, it would seem, I hold a special place in my heart for the Cryptopsian-solo by guitarist Matthew Mills who is definitely worth checking out.
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Extreme Metal Hunk: Dan Seagrave
Hot Because: There is a certain air of mystery to one Mr. Seagrave (the name alone can drop pants to the floor) but that’s mainly because I’m being snobby and assuming only a handful of people know who this man is. This is the man behind some of the greatest metal album covers ever - I cannot stress this enough, so I’ll say it again - EVER. As a self-taught painter he set the bar for death metal album covers and few have passed him since. His highly detailed and nightmarish images paint the picture of a soul twisted by a life filled with agony…or he just really likes fucked up shit. That’s cool, Seagrave, so do I.
Ideal Date: He tells you to meet him in the park - more like commands you to do so - and so you do. You find him the center of the park near a fountain or some shit like that, painting…..wait. Sorry, already used this one.
He tells you to meet him in the park at the coffee shop. The two of you meet and sit outside drinking espressos and sharing a blue berry coffee cake over some polite conversation about the latest rumors about celebrities. As the conversation rolls past the possible sightings of a possible penis on Lady Gaga you notice Dan’s hand - furiously scribbling on a napkin as though independent from the rest of his body.
“What is that?” you ask.
“Oh this?” he looks down at the napkin, “Didn’t even realize that I was doing it. It’s just this idea I had in my head that I needed to get out.”
“Well let it out,” you say in an attempt to sound sensual, or whatever.
Nonetheless, Dan agrees. After the two of you quickly finish your coffee house snack you make way to his studio, where he must set his idea free. Upon entering his studio he dashes to an empty easel. In an almost trance-like state he throws down a few devastating strokes that alone remind you of that time you took acid and watched Aliens (if you have not done this then I highly recommend doing so). As Dan starts to get more and more into the painting, you calmly sit behind him, on his couch, waiting. Waiting to see what such a man can produce.
After an hour (or more realistically 1-3 weeks, but we’re talking about ideals here) the painting is finished. Dan steps back and reveals his final product for you to see. The horrors: the sharp spires, fluid winds, and blood soaked hellspawn. The image shows a man standing above a pit of HELL (or any fiery afterlife of your choice). The look of sorrow on his face as the wind blows through his hair and tattered clothes. He is looking at the many bloody and torture souls struggling up the jagged walls in futile attempts to escape their fate. A single tear is rolling down his face.
“He has lost someone,” Dan whispers, “someone he loves.”
“Brutal,” you reply, now wetter than a 14-year-old watching New Moon, “wanna make out?”
“Sure.”
Deal Breaker: This one is a strange issue, because for those who have dated artists surely know, that he can paint something so captivating that it can move you to tears but when it comes time to pay for diner his wallet is “mysteriously” gone because he had to pawn it for paint. At least this guy gets somewhat consistent work.
Just don’t ever respond to one of his paintings with, “I don’t get it.” He’ll either go into a rant about this being “what the Client wants” or that you “don’t understand abstraction” or something, which is altogether annoying and most of the time not worth it. (In summation: don’t tease him, he could be very sensitive about his latest picture of a nightmarish bulldozer)
[UPDATE! Apparently this is my 666th post! \m/\m/ What better way to worship Satan than with Metal-influenced homoeroticism? ]](http://19.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ktmp7o6U5d1qz9a1do1_500.jpg)
[via]
Extreme Metal Hunk: Dan Seagrave
Hot Because: There is a certain air of mystery to one Mr. Seagrave (the name alone can drop pants to the floor) but that’s mainly because I’m being snobby and assuming only a handful of people know who this man is. This is the man behind some of the greatest metal album covers ever - I cannot stress this enough, so I’ll say it again - EVER. As a self-taught painter he set the bar for death metal album covers and few have passed him since. His highly detailed and nightmarish images paint the picture of a soul twisted by a life filled with agony…or he just really likes fucked up shit. That’s cool, Seagrave, so do I.
Ideal Date: He tells you to meet him in the park - more like commands you to do so - and so you do. You find him the center of the park near a fountain or some shit like that, painting…..wait. Sorry, already used this one.
He tells you to meet him in the park at the coffee shop. The two of you meet and sit outside drinking espressos and sharing a blue berry coffee cake over some polite conversation about the latest rumors about celebrities. As the conversation rolls past the possible sightings of a possible penis on Lady Gaga you notice Dan’s hand - furiously scribbling on a napkin as though independent from the rest of his body.
“What is that?” you ask.
“Oh this?” he looks down at the napkin, “Didn’t even realize that I was doing it. It’s just this idea I had in my head that I needed to get out.”
“Well let it out,” you say in an attempt to sound sensual, or whatever.
Nonetheless, Dan agrees. After the two of you quickly finish your coffee house snack you make way to his studio, where he must set his idea free. Upon entering his studio he dashes to an empty easel. In an almost trance-like state he throws down a few devastating strokes that alone remind you of that time you took acid and watched Aliens (if you have not done this then I highly recommend doing so). As Dan starts to get more and more into the painting, you calmly sit behind him, on his couch, waiting. Waiting to see what such a man can produce.
After an hour (or more realistically 1-3 weeks, but we’re talking about ideals here) the painting is finished. Dan steps back and reveals his final product for you to see. The horrors: the sharp spires, fluid winds, and blood soaked hellspawn. The image shows a man standing above a pit of HELL (or any fiery afterlife of your choice). The look of sorrow on his face as the wind blows through his hair and tattered clothes. He is looking at the many bloody and torture souls struggling up the jagged walls in futile attempts to escape their fate. A single tear is rolling down his face.
“He has lost someone,” Dan whispers, “someone he loves.”
“Brutal,” you reply, now wetter than a 14-year-old watching New Moon, “wanna make out?”
“Sure.”
Deal Breaker: This one is a strange issue, because for those who have dated artists surely know, that he can paint something so captivating that it can move you to tears but when it comes time to pay for diner his wallet is “mysteriously” gone because he had to pawn it for paint. At least this guy gets somewhat consistent work.
Just don’t ever respond to one of his paintings with, “I don’t get it.” He’ll either go into a rant about this being “what the Client wants” or that you “don’t understand abstraction” or something, which is altogether annoying and most of the time not worth it. (In summation: don’t tease him, he could be very sensitive about his latest picture of a nightmarish bulldozer)
[UPDATE! Apparently this is my 666th post! \m/\m/ What better way to worship Satan than with Metal-influenced homoeroticism? ]
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