Complaints and money orders can be sent to as.modest.as.dillinger [at] gmail.com
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Ol’e Nessie - Mastodon (Remission. Relapse Records, 2002)
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Extreme Metal Hunk: Brann Dailor (Mastodon, Today is the Day, Lethargy, Discordance Axis (live), Gaylord)
Hot Because: I hesitate to post this because I just noticed that a lot of my posts recently have been about Mastodon. Can you blame me? This was the picture to do it for me. Man does a suit well. He does many things, well. Say what you will about the choice of hunks within the metal world but there seems to be a consistency of extremely chill dudes. Brann is the type to air drum to Rush, listen to Stevie Wonder while drunk, and leaves prank answering machine messages. No one understands him! But I/YOU DO! Maybe…
Plus tour schedule is what, like, 300+ days for Mastodon right now? 300+ days of high intensity, sweaty drumming can do wonders for sustainability and dexterity (i.e. he’ll bone you really good like).
Ideal Date:
Watch this. Seriously, just do it.
Finished?
K. You’re the one holding the camera. He’ll eventually steal the camera away from you and the two of you will later be seen in a video leaked to the internet under the title of Banging the Not So Little Drummer Boy. You receive a healthy sum of money from a lawsuit against your roommate who posted it. But you don’t care about the money. You’re ashamed not of the video but for the loss of a private and beautiful moment you shared with this drummer from a metal band (who probably won’t even stop in your town on the next tour). A moment lost to internet perversion and so forth. A moment that was meant for you to watch whenever your felt like watching yourself fuck a drummer on digital video.
Deal Breaker: You can choose only ONE! I know this isn’t that big of a deal for some, to FORCE YOUR HEART TO DECIDE! I’d fuck it up. I know I would. I’m the type to kill both because I couldn’t stand to choose between them so I didn’t have to come face to face with my whirlwind of emotions that fails to subside no matter how many of my problems I kill fix it’s never enough!
Ok, now I’m happy again.
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Mastodon’s Troy Sanders
Photo by englishwaffle
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![Brann? WTF? Like, holy-GQ-Batman. Is there room within EMH for TWO members of Mastodon?
[fuckyeahmastodon @ Grammys]](http://3.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ksaxfpZQhj1qa91dpo1_500.jpg)
Brann? WTF? Like, holy-GQ-Batman. Is there room within EMH for TWO members of Mastodon?
[fuckyeahmastodon @ Grammys]
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Crystal Skull - Mastodon (Blood Mountain. Relapse Records, 2006)
Two words: Fuck showers!
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![Mastodon at the Orpheum: This was my night tonight. [photo via melissaparty]](http://14.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kr0xccl1ag1qzfzmyo1_500.jpg)
Mastodon at the Orpheum: This was my night tonight. [photo via melissaparty]
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March of the Fire Ants - Mastodon (Remissions. Relapse Records, 2002)
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Megalodon - Mastodon (Leviathan. Relapse Records, 2004)
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Extreme Metal Hunks
Troy Sanders (Mastodon, Social Infestation, Puaka Balava, Four Hour Fogger, Knuckle)
Hot Because: Beard. Not just any run of the mill beardo beards you see guys with rapist glasses wearing nowadays, this beard is rich with metal heritage spiced with the perfect blend of mountain-man shag and high-seas sailor madness. His vocals are also hunk worthy as they carry more character than the average modern American metal band has. His vocals carry a range from husky growl to surprisingly lovely (but still MANLY) cleaner tones.
He also has a good family relationship (for those into that) as his brothers Kyle and Darren are both involved in music. Kyle being the bassist for Bloodsimple, and Darren is Troy’s own bass tech and roadie for Mastodon.
Plus Crack the Skye was pretty boner inducing, in and of itself.
Ideal Date: Because you’re boring and can’t come up with good ideas you suggest sailing. The option is quickly shot down, instead the two of you go MOUNTAIN CLIMBING! However the scale of the actual “climb” will depend on you own physical ability/willingness, so it will vary from a multiple day journey that involves supplies and possibly a couple of Sherpas OR it could be a pleasant hike that takes up the afternoon. Either way, that aspect isn’t important.
As the two of you journey together discussing things such as anthropology and the latest Bruce Willis film, Surrogates - which you both agree did the job it set out to do and was enjoyable despite any complaints about the trailer giving away most of the film’s plot - you happen upon a small quarry. Something isn’t right though: this quarry contains tropical flora when you’re in a temperate zone. Sun rays bleed out from the clouds to highlight the majestic palm trees and series of awe-inspiring orchids. In the center there is a small man, sitting with his eyes closed. As you approach the closer you get to him the smaller he seems to become and how extreme his features appear. Small, modest ears give way to sharp, pointed ears. Where there was a clean shaven chin there is now a beard that reaches the man’s feet, which seems to be not that great of a feat since he is a hair under 4 feet. Halfing? Or is it Gnome? Is that what they’re called?
“He is a gnome,” Troy says to you, as though he read your mind.
The Gnome opens his eyes and looks to Troy, “What is the meaning of life?”
Troy rebuts, “I do not accept your question. The answer to life is not found within open questions or meditation but through the practice and experience of life itself. The meaning of life should not be the Philosopher’s stone that many believe it is to be when in actuality it is more the Apple of Eden. To search out such answers is to be temped by the evils that waste life.”
“Hmmm? Ok…” says the Gnome. Troy then boots it in the face - blood pours from his hairline and ears as he lays on the ground in agony, knowing that his life was one that was wasted. You and Troy ignore this as the two of you straight up get it on in this little Oasis in the Mountains.
Deal Breaker: Considering how close his is to his band and how often he tours you might be in constant competition with a a bunch of heavily tattooed and evidently overfed (i.e. chubby) dudes. This isn’t too bad depending on how badly you love your man to have an epic beard. In such a case you’d be able to take them on no sweat. They maybe talented musicians, but you have a vagina. Use that to your advantage.
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Harry Knowles of Ain’t It Cool News reports the following:
Today – and many other days as well – the metal gods known as MASTODON have been not so quietly scoring the film JONAH HEX. When I asked what it was sounding like, the only response was, “Needless to say, pretty heavy!”
Looks like I have to read Jonah Hex before it’s too late…
Jonah Hex is scheduled to be released on June 18, 2010.
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I’d go on for a long and drawn out series of pargraphs talking about my affiliation with this but I have to say this is going to be so much fun.
But they better fucking play “I Tamper with the Evidence at the Murder Site of Odin”
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